when right when you were doing something weird, or thinking something weird, or just being weird in general and oh a private moment and then you get on wordpress and someone posts something just that moment that was kind of exactly the thing you were doing? Yeah. That kind of paranoid feeling.
Doctors say a lot of things and they usually give you tiny white discs or cylinders full of speckled magic happy dust to make it all go away yum. Anyway doctors say that that my dear friends is what we call paranoid scitzophrenia and now all my doctors friends posting will now tell me all the reasons I can’t say paranoid schizophrenia or things that go with it because of the offense that goes with it. But I’m not saying anything offensive I don’t think. All I’m saying is that doctors will tell you things about it and don’t believe them. Oh no, now I’m in trouble.
Ahhh. That was a sigh. A chuckle then resigned exhalation of air from the inside of my body.
So yeah, I guess I will say that I used to feel that sometimes I would inadvertantly do that to other people, I mean, maybe make them feel weird or too coincidental and I never tried to it just happened like that. BUT now I see what it feels like and it really sucked for about 2 hours or so. Like, almost questioning my sanity and checking the camera on my phone and wondering what would that doctor say.
I will say that I did use it for my benefit though, although it was painful and still is a little. I felt a slew of gross emotions and fear in all its more subtle manifestations and had to burn through it in the end. Like take it to the end. “Ok, so what’s the worst that could happen if this was, in fact, the case?” Asking myself stuff like this. And I think it helped me burn through some more of this mind/body/universe conundrum and get closer to a real truth? Yeah, truth. 0r something like it.
Fits along quite nicely with all the fucking pain and heartache I’ve been going through trying to find my voice or just use my voice and not be trapped in fear of saying or doing the “wrong” thing and suddenly this blog has become a therapy blog vomit. That’s ok. Maybe just this post and I accept that.
This post it exceeded 140 characters